Having tried to go to sg last week I realized that for half a year, I have not had the time to FELLOWSHIP with brothers and sisters. More specifically, fellowshipping within a community. I thought I was helping myself by gently but purposefully cutting ties with MCBC, with a desire to find a local church here in London, to be a part of, and to serve in. Yet, it's been a solid half year, and what community have I been a part of?
Well, I've been in the meds community half-heartedly. I've decided to stay out of the meds fellowship for now - at the time it seemed the right decision. I have hardly been in London enough to go to church enough. I just go to Harvest because there is no point in church hopping, when I still feel like I'm church hopping due to my lack of attendance. WHERE HAVE I BEEN the last billion sundays?! And fridays?! No weekly fellowship. No regular church. No regular spiritual home. At least I do have accountability each week, but I've missed out on that for two weeks, and it feels like forever. and somehow, it seems my attendance at P&Rs have also been inconsistent - which is strange, since I have been in town have I not? Where have I been? and where has time flown?
Even going home, two weeks ago when i wanted to attend small groups for the first time with my cousin but it was cancelled due to the snowstorm - we were going to have a Bible Study.
whoa.
Bible study.
why did that term sound so incredibly foreign to me?
perhaps because the last one I recall ever attending was, maybe, during the summertime? A bible study with brothers and sisters from mcbc shall I say...
I can't help but feel like I'm slowly taking steps back in life... like I am a tiny tiny baby, or a stranger, looking into my past and wondering - who is she? who was she? who am I now?
after going to church last sunday, I felt this strange strong desire to just be back at mcbc again. this yearning to fellowship with my brothers and sisters again. "come home running?" they are my roots afterall. and while I am searching for who I am now, or figuring it out as I am becoming and changing, this family back at home is unchanging. perhaps that is an advantage that i have overlooked, and underestimated how important they are in rooting me steadfastly. as i change, and as my surroundings change, there is something that is at the heart of mcbc that has drawn me in again.
when i heard that there was prayer time on friday before good friday service, and that (finally) we will be having an english drama service, i knew in my heart that while i was wholeheartedly ready to cut ties with mcbc, over the 6 months, this family has become something different than what i remembered, and perhaps the time has been long enough that this newness of the church intrigues me, and i would like to discover for the first time what mcbc is from the perspective of a non-regular attendee, a soul that searches for meaning and for purpose and for a reminder of my worth.
funny how tables have turned. once when i was the one wanting to reach out and touch others, yet i now step into this familiar yet simultaneously unfamiliar place wanting to be touched and loved as well. i feel like a broken vessel, needing much mending. or really, i need to be broken once again, and reshaped and remolded. the clay has hardened over the past six months, and my heart has hardened such that seeds of truth when sown give only temporary sprouts that scorch quickly because its roots have not dug in; the soil - dry.
Lord, in preparation to remember what you did on the cross so many years ago for me, for my past sins, for my current sins, and for my future sins... I want to give you my heart so that I may appreciate you fully and meet you fully face to face this weekend. Father, I pray that you will break me, and mold me, and help me learn once again what it means to be in your embrace willingly, and fully.
Thank you God for this time of reflection. It is so necessary, and I am glad to be able to unleash my thoughts freely once again.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen
