Ever since a month ago, my heart has been rather unsettled with many things self-perceived as loose ends that the Lord had given but not tied up in a nice package for me. I knew that those ends were given as a blessing in a time when things were going smoothly and seen as answers to many prayers in multiple folds, however, in the past year, when I transitioned into meds, and things seemed rather stagnant, doubts ensued, and I questioned whether the things given were really blessings at all. I became entangled and confused. Why would God give certain desires and talents and experiences, allow me to realize such things, and then... nothing?
In comparison to my last two years at MAC, things have been rather SLOW when it comes to prayer, and witnessing the growth and harvest of many seeds of personal and corporate ministry. There is indeed a season for everything, and I definitely became accustomed to the quick pace of the harvesting season.
It has been difficult to sit back, and listen and wait on the Lord. It was easy to become restless and take 'no immediate results' as 'nothing', and stray away from the truth and discipline that my mind knows I need. It has been hard to transition from an environment where it is easy to let emotions and passions carry you through. It has been hard to learn the harsh reality of what it means to be Christian in the world out there; in an environment that is not very "Christian" at all. It has been hard to deal with my undesire to be involved, but I cannot cause my heart to be filled with passion can I? And as I settled into restlessnes, and 'nothing seems to be happening' mindset, it became even harder to take that first step back into seeking God for guidance in what to do.
So I was advised to lay all my frustrations and questions before the Lord. "Naked and poor" I came to God, and asked - what about this? What about that? You told me this before, but now what? What should I do with this? What should I do with that? I want to DO something, I want to GO somewhere, how come you are not telling me what to do anymore? Why am I stranded in confusion and frustration? Have you forgotten me?
In fact, I was also reminded about the story of Abraham and Issac, and how, though the Lord gave Isaac to Abraham as a blessing, the Lord ASKED for Isaac BACK. I was challenged with this idea: does the Lord want you to give back those passions and desires? Am I holding onto them in stubbornness, such that they have become my idols, and my perceived strongholds that I knew what was going on with my life? Can I let go of these things, and still say, blessed be His name, and still have faith that He will provide and show me, and will give me all that I need to enjoy life abundantly?
So I asked about China, I asked about the orphans, I asked about the widows, I asked about music, I asked about missions, I asked about medicine, and more things that had been circling my mind and causing unrestful sleeps. I asked about my heart of stone, and how it should be a heart of flesh.
In the last month, I can't say that I have been faithfully holding God to those questions; nor have I sought His guidance in His word.
But after, when I finally released it all after an exam, He brought me to my feet, and He squeezed more tears than I knew I had from within, many had accumulated in the last two weeks since the news of the earthquake and its aftermath in China. I've wanted to cry many times as I've read the news, read the updates and sharings from MSI doctors, and viewed onsite photos, but only managed a few tears... but oh the relief when the waterfall broke, and my heart FELT again!
So I mark today with this blog entry, and the following verse of confirmation and answers to some of the things that I asked God about:
- James 1:27 - Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.
- Proverbs 3:3 - Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck,write them on the tablet of your heart
- Proverbs 3:27 - Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due when it is in your powe to do it.
- Proverbs 3:9-10 - Honor the Lord from your wealth and from the first of all your produce; so your barns will be filled with plenty. And your vats will overflow with new wine.
And to specific questions I asked the Lord - really God? is this the group of people, the nation, that you really want me to serve? if so, then why must you put me on such a long road? why is it so long and hard before I can reach them? i have no skills - i must train for a good 8 more years to be fully adequate to go. i have no language - i need to learn mandarin from scratch! this road seems rather long, difficult, and lonely in pursuit - do I have to?
deep down, is a resounding YES. I know I have to. But I look dreadfully upon the next few years of waiting and training. I hate waiting! I really just want to go NOW.
but as I cried out, my soul is relieved and I am refreshed, and rejuvenated. The Lord has plans for me, and I must faithfully follow, even if there are no immediate victories to be seen.
Praise God for His faithfulness and truth through this past year.
Amen!
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