Remembering who I am

This new term has started off on a rather forlorn note. I didn't really want to come back to start a new term; I didn't want to come back to daily classes and the reality of facing my marks from last term. I liked hiding in the safety of my home, with my family, and particularly also wanted to spend more time in BC with family there. 

I felt I had a purpose. My purpose in building relationships, in loving them, in living a life and witnessing to them through action and word. I really felt whole as a person. But as I returned to Toronto, I felt a huge void in my heart. Going to Vancouver had been about relaxing, and enjoying family, and also sharing God's love with them by purely, loving them.

However, coming back home, I had no desire to meet with friends. I had no desire to go to church. I dreaded returning to school. Because it is at school that I feel incompetent, and can't help but compare to other people, and constantly feel like I'm so inadequate to be a medical school student. 

I also knew that I wanted to find a new church, that I wanted to have community, and I wanted to find myself again. Somehow, I had lost my sense of self, my sense of identity, and I had to find it once again. 

I had a few goals in mind for the new term: 

- exercise regularly

- think and ponder about God first and foremost

- be more disciplined in school work, including reviewing notes

- also starting to think about summertime, and gaining clinical exposure through observerships

I believe I have been quite diligent in the latter two, however, my efforts in the first two have suffered poorly already. 

It wasn't until this past weekend, that when I had no courage to stay for another weekend on my own, decided to swiftly run back to Toronto. I had a blessed weekend being babied by my mom and sister. I spent such good quality times with them, and it was refreshing indeed. But still, I knew I was only keeping myself busy. 

When I finally returned to London, I spent some quiet time with the Lord. And it was then that I realized I had not spent any time ALONE since exams. And God somehow always speaks when I finally decide to speak to Him. 

And so, having my worship binder opened, He led me to the following songs:

God so loved, He so loved the world

That He gave us His only son

That if we will believe in Him

We will have everlasting life

For God sent not His son to condemn the world

but that all through Him might be saved...

God so loved, He so loves you too

That He gave you His only son

That is you will believe in Him 

You will have everlasting life

and then:

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, and ten thousands beside! 

Great is Thy Faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! 

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed thy hand hath provided 

Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me. 

and finally:

I love to sing your Name

To speak about your name

You're worthy of my praise

I long to worship you

in spirit and in truth

It's all I want to do

As I come before you now, let your Spirit touch me

I will make His gospel known

Fill me with your love and power and your compassion

through me let your kingdom come.... 

As I sang these words, tears could not stop flowing through my mind. The reality of the gospel once again filled and touched me. And I could not help but feel the urge to represent Him in this world, and make His name known. 

I asked for God to renew my passion, renew my desires. I had forgotten my purpose in life. 

And He reminded me through the lyrics of the songs. I have remembered why I am here doing the things that I do. I do not want to forget my identity in Christ,  and how serving Him and His people compels me and motivates me in life! He came that I may have joy, and have it completely. And I want to live life in that way once again! 

And so, today, as I waited for the bus to go home after my observership, I am once again reminded of thejoy i had last summer as I did my clinical placement. The little getaway once a week, beyond class, and interacting with the community helped me remember my love to reach out and help others. To be in the places of darkness so that I may serve and have God's love become the beacon of light to them. 

So this observership at the clinic today has been a huge blessing - to remind me why I am in the medicine field in the first place. I think I will indeed want direct patient interaction always, and perhaps the clinic is where I want to be. 

Thank you to the Lord for reminding me... and i will continue to do observerships once a week so taht I remember why I am studying. 

I will start a separate entry for the two observerships I already completed, so as to keep my thoughts separate.